There’s an old quip that states that behind every successful man is a surprised woman. I suspect its lasting power comes from the more than sneaking suspicion by men that it is true; and the certain knowledge by those that love them that it absolutely is. In the Arabic world, the husband is seen as the head of the family, but the wife is the neck, who directs where he looks – which suggests a more poetic form of the same sentiments.
We are all used to playing certain roles informed largely by our upbringing and family history, and tempered by our own experiences and belief structures. Like most men, this was one where my father was at work while my mother raised me and my younger brothers. It was a role I unconsciously brought with me into my first marriage, where even though both I and my partner worked it was seemingly only natural that I was the primary breadwinner.
Life, of course, usually takes great pleasure in kicking our assumptions around a bit as soon as we get comfortable in them. These days I am the homemaker and my new wife has a successful career that seems to be going from strength to strength. It seems no exaggeration to credit this largely to her sheer determination and drive. In a workplace where she is outnumbered by men, she is a force to be reckoned with, and seems to have a growing circle of people in awe of her.
From her own accounts, as well as those phone conversations I overhear when she works from home, her work persona is confident, ambitious, and highly focused on getting results. She holds herself and everyone around her to very high standards – all the better to still out-perform everyone else even if she can’t quite always meet those standards due to external factors. In a man, these attributes and approaches would be seen as laudable but perhaps not as remarkable. When a woman levels the playing field to perform at a high level like this however, the astonishment from those around her seems to be constant. Why should this be the case?
The presentation of confidence and competence is something that is drummed into us men as we grow up. At its roots are the exhortations to not show weakness, and to subscribe to a notion of masculinity that can prove to be highly toxic. It is an upbringing that isn’t often pushed on young girls, and that ingrained difference is of course where the cognitive dissonance comes from. The shock of encountering someone behaving in ways that conflict with our prejudices is highly confusing – and this is where people can start to get a bit nosey.
I encounter it, for example, when I tell people I’m a house husband (among other things) – and I’m pretty sure that my wife’s co-workers think I’m some sort of oppressed minion, based on how she takes no prisoners at work. I’ve had people assuming a complete flipping of traditional gender roles across our relationship and ways of working, which is so obviously nonsense that it shouldn’t need spelling out – and yet the looks of confusion, and the intrusive questions about home life keep coming.
Human interactions, especially between partners, are highly nuanced and complex things that defy simple categorisation at the best of times; and yet when it comes to that messy interface between work and personal life anything that doesn’t conform to traditional binary systems is almost labelled as abnormal. These value judgements based on our unconscious expectations may sound petty, but the cumulative effect can’t be ignored. This is especially true when they impact on our happiness, and our perception of our own success at work and home. I’ve known aggressive men and women in business environments, and worked alongside subtle communicators and enablers too. Sometimes these people have been one and the same, depending on circumstance and role.
At this point, I feel that I understand that old quip in a way that I might never have otherwise done, even a few years ago. Just as the surprised woman in the story sees her husband succeeding despite every quirk, vulnerability and stupidity that she witnesses at home, I now see my wife succeeding despite my familiarity with all the elements of herself that she does not show in the work environment.
Perhaps therefore there’s a conversation that needs to be started, not about whether male or female approaches to work and communication are intrinsically better than one another, but about what are the most effective behaviours and approaches required for success in the working world, no matter what your apparent gender.
Thank you Tim Maidment for doing such a great job. More details on Tim can be found at: @timmaidment & http://timmaidment.com/
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