“Values aren’t buses… They’re not supposed to get you anywhere. They’re supposed to define who you are.”

― Jennifer Crusie

Hello everybody!

How are you? In this second blog about coaching I would like to talk about values, more specifically personal values.

Our values ​​define our essence. They are core to who we are as a person and as an individual. They are what we consider (though not always consciously) when we make decisions.

When we “disobey” them, when we don’t listen to them, when we are in situations that contradict them, they on a sub-conscious or conscious level, are the reason or reasons why we leave a company, a job, or a relationship.

When you are aware of your values, you have a compass at your disposal that helps align your decisions and the situations you get into, with your priorities, not so dissimilar from that of Maslows hierarchy of needs

Each one of us has a hierarchy of values ​​(more than one value in a specific order). What is very important to someone may seem trivial to someone else. If you have ever been surprised by someone’s reaction; if you find how others behave a mystery, and how differently we react to each other in the same situations. Take a look at how our and their values ​​motivate given behaviours, decisions and actions. 

When our priorities and actions are inconsistent with our values ​​(this is described as not aligned), what we experience and what we feel is a tension called “inner conflict.”

Conflicts drain our energy. We often try to make small changes, adjust circumstances or conditions to “make do”, so that we can move forward. However, these small changes rarely resolve (or eliminate) the inner conflict we are experiencing and can often only serve to add to the inner turmoil and conflict we are experiencing.

Sometimes we look at people around us and we wonder how they solve similar situations. We wonder if we can imitate or learn from them to deal with our own challenges.

In the professional world in particular, I’ve seen on numerous occasions how one person’s behaviour and strategies didn’t work the same way when another person used them. Such consideration, forces us to reflect more closely on who we are. Just as important is when mentoring or offering advice, that we are able to tailor the information given, or help the other person to be able tailor the guidance so that it does not conflict with their moral compass and/or values.

In this I am reminded of the saying that ‘ you cannot change how a person reacts, but you can change how you will react to the situation’. As such I want to encourage you, not to keep reflecting on the working behaviours of others, and those around you. Such reflections can only serve to re-enforce the struggle within yourself. Instead, I empower you to give yourself permission to be you. To acknowledge that you are unique, and that you have your own set of skills and talents, that you can draw on. By acknowledging this simple truth, you will find a way to deal with situations in a way that works for you and benefits all.

So how do we do this?

1. Get to know yourself better

Look at this list and choose the 10 values https://soulsalt.com/list-of-values-and-beliefs/ you identify with. Then shorten the small list so there are only 5 left.This is a challenge, but it is also key to you, focussing on who you are, at the very centre of you.

This is not an exercise in philosophy or language – it explains your values ​​in your own way, define them as you wish, they can have the “label” you like best. The most important thing is that they have a name and that you know what they mean to you.

2. Get to know others better

When you talk to others, try to hear, not just listen to what they are saying. It is as an active listener that you will get to see the clues they give about themselves, and you can learn about what matters to them. It is key to be aware of what matters to others to enable us to build successful relationships and interactions with them as part of an ongoing balance between yourself and the other person or persons.

3. Respect others

The more different the values ​​of others, the more important it is to show respect for their individuality. This is very often where we can see peoples’ biases through the use of negative behaviours such as criticising, disagreeing, even ridiculing the criteria of others. Such actions only serve to divide and build upon their own and other peoples’ biases. Rarely do people take this opportunity to ask questions, in a way which is constructive or can bring about change. By bringing people together from different backgrounds and opinions into an open forum, it can only help deliver a stronger output, and the well-being of all parties involved.

It is more common when facing these differences, that we end up rejecting and separating ourselves from said individuals and/or groups, rather than celebrate the diversity and the richness of their experiences and individuality that they can bring to the solution at hand.

Based on this, is there a time when it is okay to say I appreciate your opinion but…. What happens if the behaviour of one negatively impacts the wider group? Should toxicity be allowed in the conversation, because of the need to be inclusive? or for the well being of all should such behaviours be censored? Are we then not creating an inner conflict for someone else and letting our own bias and fear censor others?

What are your values? Should your values allow you to censor another?

In Japan, they have the concept of IKIGAI.

IKIGAI examines the practical application of being aware of your values. The concept looks to the points of intersection between what you like, what you do well, what the market values, and what you need. By being able to combine the 4 key principles you can obtain a state of balance and equilibrium between yourself, the interactions you have, and be true to who you are.

What do you want us to talk about in the next article?

You can leave comments here or contact me at ara.adipiscing@gmail.com

I wish you a lot of energy and good health!