The word ‘rapport’ is used to describe harmonious relationships with others. There is a rapport when we feel close and understand the ideas and feelings of others. As such we communicate well with others when we have trust in the other person or persons.
Some people believe that rapport develops over time and is fragile and easy to lose. Of course, this is often the case, but it’s also true that there are things that can be done to create rapport quickly, whether you know the other person or not.
Note that we are talking about a skill that:
- we already have and use (to some extent)
- if we develop it, it serves us for both new and existing relationships
- it helps make others more comfortable around you, meaning you can have better relationships with them
- it allows and celebrates diversity,
- it gives space for richer and more varied relationships with more diverse people and therefore widening your breadth of experience and understanding
One of the simplest and most successful skills is having good manners (with everybody), as one of my coaching teachers would remind me.
How to be more aware of our manners?
- Accepting that we are wrong sometimes (it’s human!). To quote Alexander Pope ‘To err is human to forgive is divine’
Avoid justifying yourself, it sounds dishonest, and it feels like you’re trying to find excuses. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is to say sorry. We don’t have to agree with everyone, and those times when we don’t, we need to accept that we have opposing views and agree to disagree. This way we can look after the relationship, make sure we can remain friendly with each other.
Very often finding points of contention can also allow us to be curious in ways we would not have been before by asking pertinent questions to help us understand the other persons point of view. This does not mean we will end up agreeing with them but can give us some context for the reasoning behind their why?
- Ask for permission
Don’t expect others to change their behavior or language. A “please” is welcome and can transform demands and instructions into requests. The icing on the cake comes when we ask for things accompanied by a smile.
Although a simple please can do wonders think about the context in which you are using it. Using it repeatedly within the same conversation and often in written format can give the impression of begging for a task to be done.
- Avoid choosing for others
My favourite coaching teacher asked us, “Are you 100% sure that the other person would choose this and would feel grateful?”.
The most common reaction to this question is to hesitate, so we conclude that first we should ask others what they prefer and, in case you have an opinion or recommendation, ask if they want to hear it. Unsolicited recommendations can be an unwelcome influence.
By the very same token do not ask questions to that of which you do not want the answer. Or if the answer or questions surprises you ask why? Remember our post on mindfulness and being present
- Do not insist
When you give an opinion or recommendation, it’s just that: an opinion. It is not the law. Following up with “Are you sure?”, “Go on, just take one more ” rarely makes anyone feel comfortable. If you can think of alternatives, do offer them with a “and what do you think (about this other thing)?” but it’s not about imposing yourself, it’s about letting everyone make their own decisions and to feel included within the conversation
- Disagreement without discord
Everyone has the right to their own opinion. My coaching teacher taught us neutral phrases like “mmm .. Interesting” to express appreciation for what we were told, without having to express that we agreed or disagreed.
I wish you a very good day and that you enjoy the interactions you have with others.
Araceli
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