Hello everyone!
I spent a few days thinking about how to deal with this topic.
Gail Sheehy wrote a book called “Passages“, which addresses the transitions which we go through in the span of an adult life. Passages does have a predominant focus on the female journey. However newer and more reflective “Passages” have been written, also by Gail Sheehy, looking at others such as the male journey, that of caregivers etc..
The fact is that all cultures and the development of human nature are based on transitions. Transitions are very similar for people from the same culture and therefore can be predicted.
For example, the transition from stopping breastfeeding to feeding only on “solids”, stopping diaper use (and learning to control our sphincters), going to daycare (and not just being looked after by our family), puberty (leaving childhood behind), going from primary to high school or college, beginning to have sex, identifying our sexuality and gender, our first job, parenthood, returning to work after childbirth, menopause , when a loved one dies, achieving physical / sporting goals.
I have tried to make a list to illustrate how present and normal transitions are. In being able to draw up a list, what we can show is that transitions are repeatable and therefore predictable. By the very nature of a transition being predictable, it means that we can prepare (or we can prepare and support the person we are with to help ease them through their current transition). The other side of the coin is that we can also seek help & support from someone to accompany us, when we know we are going through a transition; or help us to become aware of what we may need to do to support an other during the transition.
Some coaches specialise in transitions, for instance; prepare you to look for work, accompany you when you return to work after parental leave, support cancer survivors return to a regular routine etc…
Another word related to this topic is “phase”. When there is a transitional roadmap, there will be periods between each of the transitions, and this is what is commonly referred to as phases, or stages of transition. This can most commonly seen within pregnancy, where the initial transitional period is 9 months; but this is split up into three core trimesters, where it is expected that at certain stages within these trimesters, expected changes will happen to the foetus during this time. At the end of this 9 month transition you start to move into a new phase of labour and child birth, before what can simply be described as the final transition, which is the phase of parenting.
Some phases are cyclical (such as the changes we can observe on the moon, which are repeated over and over again), but many have an origin, a period with a specific behaviour, and an end date. It is when these specific behaviours do not end, when they have an impact in other areas of our lives, we need to ask ourselves is this healthy? Do I need help? As noted above, asking for help, is an important way to deal specific transitions to help you maintain a sense of equilibrium during these periods of change.
Knowing that the phases will ebb and flow like the tide can be source of comfort. For example, when we are having a bad time, it can be a comfort us to know that our “suffering” is temporary. By acknowledging this, we can allow ourselves to feel how we feel in the moment, whilst allowing ourselves to focus on the brighter things that are to come. By doing this, we allow ourselves to move one step closer to healing and moving into that brighter future we see.
When we go through a good period in our life we take advantage of the present, by taking photos, writing a diary, finding a way to keep the experience in our mind. In so doing it gives us something tangible to review when the tough times come.
What can you do to help yourself with these transitions when they arrive
- <This too shall pass>
Read the Persian fable “This too shall pass”;
When you are having a bad time, remember that the phase you are in will end. Focus on learning as much as you can from the experience, to make the most of it. There are many lessons in life and even bad times can be enriching. Being able to approach life with this mindset can, in some cases, help, by appearing to”make time go by faster.” What is is important to remember is that what you are going through today is not forever.
To quote Elsa from Frozen one of the best ways to move forward is ‘ to let it go’
- Get ready for the transitions
When you have a challenge, try to imagine the next stage. Focus on how good things will be, or writing out what you need to do to move on. Just thinking positively will help. It alters your ability to perceive and allows you to see and conceive opportunities that you would not otherwise have seen.
Use the good moments to recharge your batteries, rest and prepare your body for the effort it will have to make when things are not so good
- Take advantage of the good phases
Unfortunately, the good phases do not last forever. Enjoy them to the fullest, take advantage of them when they come. In England some people say “dance like no one is watching”. There is a process of “letting go” in which we completely share what we have inside. It is important to share good times with those around us.
- Look for support
A friend, a family member, a counsellor, medical professional or a coach who listens to you. Talking with someone who truly hears what you say, can help you align and hear your own thoughts. In doing so they can ask you questions which can help you find new or alternative perspectives, as well as challenging those behaviours, to help you find new ways to get ready for the transitional periods. Such support is invaluable.
Imagine that the phases you go through are a gift / a blessing. Even if we have some bumps, along the way. If we look at our lives as a whole, we can often appreciate the role that each phase has played in our path, in our development, to get us where we are today.
I think Rumi, states this best in his poem the Guesthouse; copied below for your rumination:
After all, we are what we eat, drink and think
Where are you going now?
Do you need to talk? you can always reach out to members of the TWITT team, who will be an ear to listen to what you have to say.
Alternatively, the below organisations can also assist and help point you in the right direction
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