Learning lessons

Hello all,

How are you?

Part of everyday experiences is something new. Some experiences are joyful, some make us wish we were somewhere else! Either way, experiences are a gift, an opportunity to learn something.

I have heard a lot about “challenging experiences” being great teachers. I find challenges can be twofold: first, sorting out the situation, and then having the presence of mind to take the time to derive some learning from it, (rather than simply pushing forward and moving on. In some cases far away from the original experience that caused the discomfort).

As my grandfather used to say; ‘If you don’t learn at least one new thing everyday then that is a day wasted’. So how do we learn to appreciate the value from all experiences?

1. Think of setbacks as a means to move forward
   What insights can be useful to you in the future?
   Sometimes things don’t work out as we want them to. The possibility of them not working is used by some, to not to try in the first place.
   Failure is simply not avoidable, since we can always only do our best, with the information at hand, and accept a little bit of risk.
   NB: when you don’t get what you want, you get something else instead! Sometimes, this “something else” can be more valuable. Be open to that possibility and look for a way to appreciate what the experience can teach you. To quote Edison himself when questioned on his failings in inventing the lightbulb, he simply retorted “My dear man, I did not fail, I just learnt that there was 1,000 steps to making a lightbulb as opposed to 1”.
2. People do things for themselves, not to you
   When we “suffer” as a consequence of somebody else’s actions, it could be easy to think that they did it on purpose.
   Most of the time, people are very busy with themselves. Our own sense of self importance makes us think that we are a factor in their decision making. Here the recommendation is to take the time to learn about other people’s circumstances, priorities and thinking processes. Perhaps more importantly, is that not everything is about you as the individual but you as part of a wider construct. If the overall impact is positive, learn from what you now have to be brighter and better than before. It is important to remember that you cannot change how people will act but you can change how you will re-act to them.
3. People do what they want, not what you want
   There is a difference between “telling” people to do something and their actually “wanting” to do it.
   If you want to move people beyond their knowing that you want them to do something to “their wanting” to do something, make sure you understand what they want and what they want to move away from. Make it easy for them to find a reason to want to do the task that you are requesting by aligning it to their priorities. This is a key skill and one of the key differences between being a manager and a great leader. Being able to empower your colleagues to make decisions for themselves that you would have endorsed makes the option of asking for something as opposed to telling them a far more congenial approach. By doing so, people are more likely to be willing to respond to your requests because they feel an obligation to ones’ own self to assist in the proposed task
4. Use emotions as sign posts
   Situations with a high emotional charge may trigger automatic behaviours. This is what neuroscience tells us about the reptilian, limbic and rational brains.
   We sometimes behave in “freeze, fight or flight” modes, depending on the situation.
   Recognising high emotions and using them to have a pause and be more mindful of your thinking process is always a good thing. Ask for time out (“Can I just have a minute before I respond”) if necessary. Find ways of asserting yourself (“I find what you have done unacceptable because it made me feel … and I would like to understand why? ”) without the need to retaliate. Use this to take control and take ownership of the emotion rather than pass the blame – you may be surprised by the return response

How would life be, if you could look at every experience with appreciation? and with an eye for learning?

Good experiences will be remembered fondly, with the hope to have them again. Challenging experiences should be looked at with gratitude about the opportunity to learn, regardless of the lesson, regardless of when we are able to learn from it.

Some lessons need to be taught repeatedly, so if you find yourself doing the same things with little or to no real change ask yourself why? What are you not learning? what do you need to change to get a different output?